September 30, 2012
The woman who sleeps in the bunk bed below mine has been doing things like moving around a lot in the middle of the night and kicking the bottom of my bed. She still gibbers for half an hour to an hour at night before she goes to bed, every night.
Last night, I woke up to the bed shaking and my bed being kicked from below. I tried to ignore it and keep sleeping. Finally, there was a particularly vicious shake of my bed, and I looked behind me to see that she was standing right behind my head, with only the railing of the my bunk between us.
It’s the same thing that happened on the night that I wrote about on my blog page “09/16/12: Bristol Lodge shelter in Waltham: “You’re offending people.”” when I wrote that I felt something touch my hair and woke up to find her standing right next to the bed, with only the railing between us.
She coughs at me whenever she sees me. I am not allowed, having been told not to, to object to it at all. That discussion is also described on the same blog page that I’ve just mentioned. She knows that I’m not supposed to object to being abused, which is why she does it.
When I woke up last night and saw her, I said “What are you doing?” She said “I was just standing by the bed for a minute,” and got back into her bunk. It’s almost exactly the same thing that happened the first time.
I don’t lightly say that someone has mental problems, and I’m saying it about her. How do I say this so that someone who has never been in a mental hospital or around a lot of people who have been in them can understand it? There’s gibbering that sounds harmless, and there’s gibbering that doesn’t; her gibbering has a decidedly sinister tone to it.
What I think is that she is thinking about hurting me. I would not be surprised if it’s her plan to try to strangle me or otherwise hurt me while I’m sleeping. She and others have been getting encouraged by the conglomerate to kill me for years by now, so I don’t think that I’m being paranoid.
I got up after she went back to her bunk. I went downstairs to the first floor and lay on one of the couches until it was almost time for everyone to get up. As soon as I saw the overnight staffperson, I asked if I could speak to her. We talked in the office. She happens to be the same staffperson who was there the first time that I woke up to find the same homeless woman standing next to my bed the first time. On that first occasion, I had left my bed as soon as it happened and gone to the office to tell her about it.
This time, I told her what happened and she said “I want to make a case note about it while it’s still fresh in my mind.” While she got up to get the form she was going to write the note on out of a cabinet drawer, she repeated that she wanted to write about the situation while it was still “fresh” in her mind.
She was still wearing the sweatpants with the skull and crossbones on them that she’d been wearing when she’d let me into the shelter last night. I had noticed them last night, and I had also noticed that she rubbed her nose a couple of times within the first few minutes that we were talking.
This morning, after she had written the note about the second incident, she rubbed her nose and then told me that the woman has narcolepsy. She said “She didn’t know it until she got here and I noticed it. She’s not on any other medications than the ones prescribed for her.”
The woman in question is at least in her 50’s. If she had narcolepsy, someone would have noticed it by now. I wouldn’t be surprised if medications that she has been surprised make her sleepy during the day; however, she also stays up as late as people are allowed to stay at the shelter, almost every night. She almost never starts to go to bed until 11:00 p.m. or later, and then, as I’ve said, there’s the gibbering for half an hour to an hour after that, the thrashing around, some coughing if she feels like doing that, and the nights when it seems to me that she’s thinking about killing me.
Some of the next paragraph is meant as sort’ve a joke:
It’s true that I’ve suicidal thoughts because of the conglomerate’s behavior toward me and others. I suppose that I could say nothing about the situation and see if she kills me. I thought about that this morning, with the grim humor with which I’m mentioning those thoughts now. It seems to me that the conglomerate treats my discussions of the suicidal feelings that it causes me to have as part of the joke that it wants to permanently turn me into, and that the only thing that might make that stop is if I actually killed myself. People who say that they have suicidal feelings are often treated as if they are being manipulative or histrionic, and I don’t think that I’m being either of those things. I have been truthful about how the conglomerate has made me feel, every time that it has made me feel that way. The conglomerate is evil and likes to hurt people. Somehow this paragraph got very serious, probably because I’m angry. There’s no reason that anything that’s been happening should be happening. Maybe there’s nothing about this paragraph that’s funny, but it seemed, as I’ve said, grimly funny to me this morning. After I talked to the staffperson and realized that the situation was going to be met with total denial and that I might even get more abused because of it, I was thinking “I could let her kill me,” and then I thought “What if she tries to strangle me and she doesn’t do it, she just gives me brain damage?” and “What if she cuts me badly but that doesn’t kill me, either?” and then “I should probably just write about it on the Internet.”
Copyright L. Kochman, September 30, 2012 @ 2:40 p.m.