The incidents that they’re referring to are incidents in which I was threatened and/or assaulted after first being harassed.

They are also all incidents which resolved, and for which I wasn’t previously, before this memo, found to be at fault by the police or the MBTA.

Here’s my interpretation of the Memo:

“We’re making things up so that we can call you crazy, push you around, make you stop defending yourself from being abused, and, if you refuse to let us do that to you, we’re going to make you leave the shelter, maybe try to get you court-ordered to the hospital and/or to take antipsychotics which have a lot of side effects and which can leave you permanently disfigured in addition to being stigmatized, and continue to persecute you throughout the Boston area.”

What’s going to happen during the meeting?  I called the police station the night that the police officer told me that he was going to refer me to the mental health person at the police station; I asked if I could meet with her at the police station instead of at the shelter.  One of the reasons that I did that is that I never know when I’ll be back at the shelter in the afternoon; people can get into the shelter starting at 4:00 p.m. and have to be there by 7:00 p.m..  I also wanted to have some privacy for the meeting; after what happened the other night, with the staffperson who was there bringing up the bus incidents when the police weren’t even there to talk to me about those, telling me in front of them “People have the right to cough,” as if what’s been happening isn’t exaggerated and deliberate, and also incorrectly confirming the police officer’s statement that I had said that I’d never made a 911 call about the man who followed me and who had told the police that he’d never followed me, I’d rather not give her or another staffperson the chance to do me more damage with the police department.

I also don’t think that I could have refused to meet with the mental health person.  I had told Officer Amarante, who said he was going to recommend that she make a visit to the shelter after he and his partner had been hassling me and his partner had rubbed his nose at me, that I wasn’t interested in talking to the counselor.  He said “You don’t have to talk to her; you can refuse to talk to her, but she’s going to show up here and then you can refuse to talk to her if you want to.”

If I did that, of course, then the people at the police station who are trying to build a profile of me as being someone who is crazy would make a note of the fact that I had refused to meet with the counselor; then, the inevitable next time that I get threatened and call the police for help or someone who doesn’t like the way that I respond to being harassed calls the police, they’ll bring up, too, the fact that I refused to talk to the mental health person.  Then, when the police finally resort to violence against me, or to throwing me into a police car or an ambulance and taking me to the hospital or to jail, they’ll say “You had your chance; you could have talked to the mental health person from the police station, but you refused the help that you need.”

The staffperson who had sold me out to the police on that night also called the director of the shelter that night, and after that conversation, she said “You should probably talk to the person; you don’t have to, but you probably should.” I said “I was planning to have a conversation with her.”  We left it at that, and then, last night, I got this memo.

No matter what happens as a result of the conversation with the police mental health person, I’m probably going to be told that there “can’t be any more incidents” or I’ll have to leave the shelter.  Things could be bad before they even tell me that; I’m sure there’s going to be the “What do you think people did to you to make you take their picture?” and if I say “They were sexually harassing me and stalking me,” that will be responded to with “No, they weren’t.”

I was totally within my rights to take the pictures and video that I’ve taken on public transportation.  Nothing that they or anybody else says or does to me is going to make me say that I’m not being harassed, that I’m not being stalked, that anything on the conglomerate’s agenda is ok, or that I deserve what’s happening to me.  It’s difficult for me to imagine, also, that they’re going to be able to get me to say that I won’t take pictures or otherwise document what’s going on; maybe I’ll be leaving the shelter tomorrow, I don’t know.  I can’t not document what’s going on; if I stop, it will get worse.  Not only will I have no choice other than to try to confront everyone who abuses me rather than to take pictures or video, which is going to get the police called even more quickly than they otherwise would, because nobody has the right to treat me that way and I’m going to make sure that people who try know that, or the abuse is just going to get worse until somebody attacks me and/or kills me.  The stalking will get worse, too, if I don’t document that.

There’s no excuse for what’s going on.  It couldn’t be more reprehensible.

They’re lying; they know I’m telling the truth, and they’re trying to say that I’m imagining what’s going on, and that I’m the one who’s doing something wrong for objecting to it.

No matter what you think of someone, or what you hope to get out of abusing the person, if you know that the person is telling the truth about what’s going on and you’re saying “It’s not the truth; you’re imagining it, and that means that you’re crazy,” and you inflict consequences on that person as if he or she actually were imagining what’s going on on, that’s even more abusive.  What right do people who are that unethical have to judge me?

Even if I’m allowed to stay at the shelter, I think that I can expect that the abuse of me at the shelter is going to get worse because of the incident the other night when the man who followed me lied and said that he didn’t, and because of what has happened because of the visit that the police made to the shelter in response to his phone call.  It’s going to be “She’s crazy,” and all of the abuse of me that’s already been happening there is going to get worse.  I’ll get blamed for all kinds of things that have nothing to do with me.  I’ll get yelled at when I’m brushing my teeth in the bathroom “You’ve been in there too long!”  I’ll be treated more rudely, spoken to more rudely, maybe entire lies will get made up about me.  They’re going to make my life such a misery that I might, in a moment when I can’t take anymore, say “I’m leaving,” and leave, or I’ll get into a loud argument, throw something or hit someone, get thrown out, get arrested, go to jail or get a charge on my record, and these will all be more steps along the path of what the conglomerate has been trying to do to me and trying to get other people to do to me.

Copyright L. Kochman, October 10, 2012 @ 11:24 a.m./addition to title @ 1:39 p.m.