October 24, 2012

I haven’t cried much since the conglomerate happened.  I’m not sure why; the emotions that I’ve been feeling most often have been anger and fear about what the conglomerate has done and wants to do, stress about trying to do what I can to prevent its agenda from being implemented, and occasional and usually unexpected moments of humor, for which the situation is no less serious.

I haven’t cried at all about the video issue.  The video issue is so catastrophic for me personally that when I’m not consciously feeling suicidal about it, I am too depressed about it to cry.  The overwhelming fact of it and its effect on my life and on my future have left me in a continual and probably merciful state of shock about it.  I think the shock will probably disappear, to be replaced by immediate, emotional pain the like of which I’ve never known before, when the videos start to be so prevalently viewed that I don’t have to go looking for one of them and end up finally seeing part of one by accident.  I have yet to find them on the Internet; I haven’t looked for them very much, but every so often I’ll do a search of a term that I think might lead to them if they were on the Internet.  I could be wrong about them; maybe they’re all over the Internet and I just haven’t done the searches that would find them.

The times when I most feel like crying are when I think about how much pressure there is on me and how much responsibility I have, not only for my own life but for other people’s lives, too.  When I’ve been writing effectively, I’m usually able to influence something about the situation for the better.  When I’ve been writing less effectively, have really lost my temper and expressed my feelings in a less-than-exemplary way, or have from carelessness, anger or weariness given the conglomerate a chance to misinterpret and misportray something I have done or not done, my positive influence tends to wane for a while.

The other emotion that I have all the time is the longing for a normal life.  I had that longing for years before the conglomerate happened; however, once I began to realize that most of what people get told or believe about mental illness is false or misleading, from whether or not they have one to what they should expect to be able to achieve if they get diagnosed with one, I started to have the hope that I could have a normal life after all.  Then the conglomerate happened and no hope that I’ve ever had has ever been so quickly and so thoroughly decimated.


Copyright L. Kochman, October 24, 2012 @ 1:54 p.m.