September 24, 2012
The night before last, I did a Yahoo search on the name Zac Eron because his blog posts have been endangering me for a long time and I wanted to know what was going on.
There isn’t any reason tht I should feel an obligation to explain why I did a search on someone’s name. For a while, I was explaining that I hadn’t been doing searches on people’s names because I couldn’t control my anger about what I would see when I did those searches, and the anger would lead me to write things that were counter-productive to my goals because of the way that I expressed myself. I thought that it was important to explain that my documentation of the effects of conglomerate celebrity behavior, for example stalking, harassment and ads, had the purpose of stopping the conglomerate’s agenda from proceeding and did not have ulterior motives. I did that because I would document things that happened around me or that I saw had bad effects and then there would be a reaction from the conglomerate about the celebrities whose conglomerate-supportive behavior had encouraged those things, and that reaction would have nothing to do with the fact that I was writing about the conglomerate-supportive behavior and was not personal to me except for when I was personally being abused.
After I did the search on his name, I took this picture of myself and sent it to my e-mail, with the message that I’ve transcribed:
(This is the message that I sent to my own e-mail wth that picture the night before last):
I think I’ve been having panic attacks over the past few days, since I got the point about being caged in the bathroom for the rest of my life. I’ve never had panic attacks before: they’re physical panic attacks, if that’s what they are. More thoughts of suicide.
Problems organizing and doing things. I’m going to have a breakdown if it continues. I’ve never had panic attacks like that before: even if I could reduce my other stress, this abuse is not something I can think about in a way that allows me to cope with it while I’m trying to make it stop. I’m going to have a breakdown if it continues: my emotional health has never destabilized as quickly as it has over the past few days. If I hadn’t found some work and wasn’t worried about losing that, I would seriously think about putting myself in the hospital, because my thoughts of suicide are of methods that are accessible, quick and final.
September 24, 2012
The picture shows what I looked like when I took the picture. I didn’t plan to take it or think about it before I did it. What does it matter that it’s mostly a good picture? Look at everything that the conglomerate has done to say that I’m ugly. Look at all of the names that it has called me and the jokes that it has made about my appearance. It has done that for years, and it only stops doing that when it’s trying to pretend that the video issue isn’t one of the most vicious things that’s ever been done to anyone, and tries to excuse its malignant, harmful, deliberately criminal invasion of privacy and the horrifying abuse that it is by saying “You look hot in the videos.” That’s when it’s not abusing me even more by saying horrible things about what’s in the videos, passing them around to people, and encouraging more of it to happen to me and to others.
Was taking the picture and sending it with the message the smartest thing that I’ve ever done? Considering how vicious and hateful the conglomerate is, perhaps not; however, it’s also true that I have been feeling all of the things that I said in the message that I was feeling. When you feel that way, I don’t know that it matters how you say it, it matters that you say it.
Copyright L. Kochman, September 24, 2012 @ 3:53 p.m.