November 3, 2012
Sometimes, I feel additional responsibility to reiterate what I’ve already written about listening to music. This is one of those times.
The way that I feel now and have been feeling for the past few days is not something that I’ve felt at any time during the years that the conglomerate has been persecuting me. It’s not something that I’ve ever felt.
I would be glad to die. I would feel absolutely nothing except relief for that to happen. I wouldn’t feel regret, or sadness, or anything except relief. That’s how I feel emotionally.
Mentally, I can still make myself care about my life, and it’s also a reflex to object to bad things that people do to me and, to a certain extent, to other people. The less that you can do for yourself, the less you can do for other people.
I don’t feel self-hatred or like a failure or any of the other things that I’ve felt at other times in my life when relief was the only feeling that happened when I thought about dying. I feel defeated, that’s all; the conglomerate has what it seems to have wanted from me since I’ve first been telling it “No.” Incapable of making a convincing and intelligent argument for the things that it wants to do, it resorted to videotaping me in the bathroom, and that’s how it got what it wanted from me. I do not want to live my life any more.
My feelings are starting to separate from the rest of me; my emotional and physical feelings are both doing that. It’s probably something that is happening as the only way that my brain can give me distance from what’s happening to me.
The rest of what the conglomerate has done and continues to do would be bad enough. With the video issue, it got what it wanted from me.
I can’t worry about what other people are going to think or feel from music that I listen to. If I think that the sound of something is going to cheer me up, I’ll listen to it. If it’s something that I think might be noise that would make me feel something, even if it’s not cheerful, I’ll listen to that. People can read through my music policies and pages for my explanations about listening to music on the Internet if they have questions about what I’m listening to.
Whatever it is, it’s something that I’m doing for myself. There is music that I think about listening to and either I don’t listen to it or I don’t listen to it often because of the interminable explanations that I know I will have to make about it to try to prevent the conglomerate from creating a crisis about it, and I’m going to try not to censor myself that way.
I’ve said what I think about all of the issues. I’ve written about one issue after another for years. The conglomerate has no right to treat me the way that it does; it never has had the right to treat me the way that it has. If I feel like listening to music, it’s because I feel like listening to music and not because I don’t think and feel the things that I’ve said that I think and feel about the conglomerate, the people in the conglomerate, and the things that they do.
Copyright L. Kochman, November 3, 2012 @ 12:39 p.m.